How Knowing the MBTI Can Make You a Better Parent

Every child wants to be understood by their parents. Every child wants to be appreciated for what makes them unique. Every child wants an opportunity to be heard, and to be allowed to be themselves. Most parents want to give this sense of understanding and individuality to their children, but it’s easier said than done. I think almost every adult I talk to in some depth will eventually say that they wish their parents had understood them better. While no parent can be perfect, a knowledge of the MBTI can make understanding and fostering your child’s unique character a whole lot easier.

Now before I go on, I have to admit I’m no perfect parent, and I don’t always understand my children like I should. There also are plenty of amazing parents out there who have no knowledge of MBTI whatsoever. For me personally, and I think for many others, having a knowledge of the personality types of your children can really be useful and fun, this post is for those people who are interested.

When I had my oldest daughter, Melody, I assumed she would go the typical route of young girls and be interested in princesses and pretty dresses and hair bows. What I got was a fiery little tomboy who loves dragons and dinosaurs and wants her hair cut short so she doesn’t have to bother with brushing it. This isn’t something I pushed her into. I didn’t surround her with boy toys and try to coerce her into those interests; it’s just that from an early age she rejected princesses in favor of superheroes, and dolls in favor of plastic dinosaurs. She shuns dresses in favor of comfy sweatpants, and would rather play minecraft than have anything to do with Disney Channel tween girl nonsense. I have to say, I’m pretty proud of who she’s become. But I also didn’t do anything to make her that way. She had this quiet intensity from the moment she was born. She was a serious little baby, who turned into a blunt, straightforward little toddler, and now she’s my beloved, intelligent NT daughter.

My little dragon, Melody

What is an NT anyway?

NT personality types are considered the ‘rationals’ of the MBTI world. The N stands for intuitive, while the T stands for thinking. This means they prefer to gather information through intuition over sensing, and they make decisions through thinking over feeling. They comprise 5-10% of the population, and there are far fewer females in the NT category than males. They live in the world of ‘why’s and ‘how’s and will question everything to find the most logical answer. Female NTs tend to be more tomboyish in their younger years; after all, what’s the logic in wearing an itchy, puffy dress that will only get in the way while climbing trees? They are theoretical, debative in nature, and have a vast aptitude for intelligence. When my daughter was young I didn’t understand why she wasn’t interested in a lot of hugs and cuddles, and it was hard to not take it personally sometimes. What I didn’t realize is that physical affection can take some time for an NT child to feel comfortable with. Now, at 9 years old, she loves our snuggle time, but is still a lot less willing to be affectionate with other people. NT children aren’t very aware of emotions, and when we watched Bambi together when she was young, my daughter never thought of crying when Bambi’s mother died (I still have a hard time NOT crying when Bambi’s mother dies). The element of Bambi’s mother’s death was logical to her. It made sense. It wasn’t personal to her, so she didn’t understand why anyone would be emotionally moved by that moment. This isn’t to say she’s devoid of feelings; but she’s a thinker after all, and so emotions aren’t going to be her first response to stimuli.

This post isn’t all about NT types though, this is for any parent with any type of child

Knowing my children’s personality types has helped me so much as a parent. I know my ESFP step-son needs a lot more hugs and physical affirmation when he’s upset; whereas I know my NT daughter needs more physical space and time to think when she’s upset. If I treated them both the same when they were upset, one of them would be incredibly irritated. Knowing what works for each child helps me as a mom, every single day, tremendously. If you know your child is an SJ type, then you’re going to want to provide that child with a more predictable routine and they’ll thrive under more clear black and white guidelines. If you have an SP child you’re going to want to teach your child through hands-on experiences, and let them learn by ‘doing’.  If you have an NF child, you’ll need to be more gentle in your criticism, as any kind of conflict can make them incredibly stressed out; you’ll need to be open to their endless imaginings and their deep emotional feelings.

How Can I Know My Child’s MBTI Type?

Knowing the type of your child can be kind of tricky, but it’s worth it! Sometimes, you can’t figure out the entire four letter description in childhood, because children haven’t fully developed all their functions yet. However, if you can figure out whether your child is an SJ type, an SP type, an NT type, or an NF type, that will still get you a long ways in parenting better.

How to Figure Out if Your Child is an Introvert or an Extrovert

You’ll be able to figure out whether your child is an extrovert or introvert by looking at them and their interactions with others. Are they more independent and energized by being alone? Are they more energized by being in a group? Most kids are going to want friends; so you can’t simply call them an extrovert because they want friends. But you can tell by looking at them after social interactions to see if they seem exhausted and want to be alone, or if they seem energized and ‘amped up’ by the experience. You have to understand that extroverts and introverts both need some alone time and some social time, but the real question is which interaction gives them the most energy. Generally speaking, an extroverted child will be more dependent on social interaction and will be more energized by this. They may think out loud, and have a louder volume to their voice than an introverted child. And generally speaking, an introvert will be able to pursue things better independently, and will be more energized after some alone time to play, learn or imagine on their own. They may think and reflect more before speaking, and may not speak as loudly. However, there are variations among types, and if your child grows up in a loud family, they may have more of a tendency to be loud just because that’s the only way they can be heard. Always remember, the MBTI only tells you so much, environment is also another huge factor.

What About the Other Functions?

If I were to explain every other cognitive function here, it would take a while. If you want to read more about the cognitive functions, you can do that here. With kids it can be especially hard to figure out all four letters, so I’m going to just give some basic clues to figuring out your child’s type.

SJ (Sensing/Judging) Type Children – The Guardians

The most common personality, SJ’s make up roughly 45% of the population. SJ children are usually responsible and reliable kids, who value stability very highly. They will work better in a scheduled environment with clear rules and guidelines, and will like structure and traditions. They are going to be practical and concrete in their thinking, regardless of their thinking or feeling preference. They usually do well in elementary school, since elementary teaching attracts SJ types. They learn best through step-by-step instructions, and are often very service-oriented. Your SJ child will thrive on a schedule, with clearly defined expectations. A sure way to stress out your SJ child is to make sudden, last-minute changes in plans, have an unpredictable routine, or to teach every lesson through metaphor and theory. Be straightforward, practical, kind, and conscientious of your SJ child’s need for order and structure and the practical.

SP (Sensing/Perceiving) Type Children – The Artisans

SP children are the second most common type, making up 27% of the population. SP’s are spontaneous, active, hands-on, “here and now” children. In fact, no type lives in the present moment more than the SP types. They make very playful, adaptable, energetic children who usually think in very concrete terms. They’re more likely to be kinesthetic (hands-on) learners, and will be drawn to things involving sensation; beautiful colored paints, thrill-inducing roller coasters, building sandcastles, or just jumping and dancing and playing as actively as possible. In school, they can sometimes be mislabeled as ADHD because of their need to move and be active; however, they find their niche in the athletic world, where they excel in sports. A sure way to stress out an SP child is to force them into a very tight, rigid schedule, make them sit still for an extended period of time, speak to them in theoretical, abstract terms, or  give them limited opportunities to work with their hands; whether it’s through athletics, crafts, or building. Be open-minded, playful, and active with your SP child and give them plenty of opportunities to use their physical abilities.

NF (Intuitive/Feeling) Type Children – The Idealists

The NF types make up roughly 16% of the population. These children are highly imaginative, passionate, and people-oriented. Even the introverted idealists will spend time alone thinking deeply about their relationships, family, and friends. They think abstractly, and desire deep relationships. They want to understand others and themselves, and usually make excellent listeners. They are highly ethical, and are extremely sensitive to criticism. They are the daydreamers, the poets, the romantics, and they tend to be very complex. To sensor types, they can seem strange or not realistic or concrete enough. However, these types are some of the best diplomats and counselors out there. A sure way to stress out an NF type child is to be overly critical, not listen to their daydreams, to call their idealistic thoughts silly, or to make them focus most of their attentions on the concrete or here-and-now. They are future-minded, idealistic people who need time to express or imagine their rich inner worlds or their dreams. Be open-minded, demonstrative, and as gentle as possible with your NF type child.

NT (Intuitive/Thinking) Type Children – The Rationals

The NT types make up about 10% of the population. These children are the skeptics, the problem-solvers, the analyzers of the world.  They are driven to understand how the world works, and are usually visionaries when it comes to figuring out ways to earn money, conduct science experiments, or design something (their interest in these fields will depend sometimes on which NT type they are). They are future-minded and theoretical, and will ask endless questions. They often seem debative as children, because they need to figure out the core truth of any and everything they’re going to accept as fact. They don’t take anything at face value, but must learn to accept a truth through questioning it. They are ingenious, logical, often strong-willed, and strategic. They tend to have a harder time in elementary school, where their debative or theoretical minds aren’t as compatible with a highly SJ composed teaching community. In fact, NT types have a much higher likelihood of being misdiagnosed with autism oraspergers. The best way to stress out an NT type child is to shut them down and not let them question something important, to explain things emotionally instead of logically, to expect them to conform to something just because it’s “the way it’s always been done”. Be patient with NT types, give them a chance to ask questions, and give them opportunities to experiment, whether it be with science or a new money-making idea.

In Conclusion

If you’d like to know more about the MBTI, you can check out my basics of the MBTI post here. One really helpful book for figuring out your child’s type is Nurture by Nature: Understand Your Child’s Personality Type – and Become a Better Parent.

I hope this post has been helpful to you! If you have any insights or tips, let me know! I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

Have you ever looked back on your life and cringed at mistakes you made or the way you behaved? I know I have, and still do. As a teenager, I lived like there was no tomorrow, making a multitude of mistakes, taking risks, and trying hard to fit in with a group of teenagers that I had absolutely nothing in common with. I'd grown up pretty solitary; a dorky homeschooled kid who never got up the nerve to make many friends. As a teenager I switched gears, remade myself into what I thought was the socially 'cool' thing to be, and created a completely false persona that I tried to pass off as 'me'. I lost a bunch of weight, wore the trendy clothes, and went along with whatever my friends wanted, to an extent. I couldn't let go of some of my stronger ideals, which turned off my friends, and always left me feeling like an outsider. I came out of my teenage years pregnant, leaving an abusive relationship, and completely confused about who I was. While not everyone goes quite as crazy as I did in my teenage years, a lot of people have a time in their life when they have to ask themselves "What was I thinking?". For some people their age of 'crazy' is the teenage years, for others it's a mid-life crisis, others find themselves feeling as if their whole identity has changed in their 60's or 70's. I've often wondered what happens to people or what changes to make them go through these stages in their lives. Obviously a lot has to do with their environment, medical issues, changes in stress or hormones. But does the MBTI have anything to say about these changes? I wanted to find out.

You have to have a relatively good understanding of the cognitive functions to understand what the rest of this post is about; you can find out more about these here. 

Your Age and the Development of the Cognitive Functions

Your Dominant and Auxiliary Functions

From birth to about age 13, you will develop your dominant function. This function will be the most obvious in children, and will be the one they develop the most control of in their lives. 

From 13 to about age 21, you will develop your auxiliary function. This function will support your dominant function. If you're an introvert, your auxiliary function will be the one you show to the outside world while your dominant function will be more hidden.  

The dominant and auxiliary functions make up about 90% of your personality 'type' and are going to consistently be your most relied-upon functions. 

How do these cognitive functions affect teenagers?

The teenage years are tumultuous for almost everyone in some way. Part of this has to do with your brain development. Research has shown that the human brain doesn't fully mature to adulthood till the early 20's. In the teen years, the parts of the brain responsible for controlling impulses and planning ahead are the last to mature. Along with this, you have hormonal changes, the pressures of life (figuring out where you'll go to college, getting a good score on the SAT, fitting in with your peers) and you have a breeding ground for stress and chaos. Don't get me wrong, the teenage years can be full of magic, wonder, and dreams. Being a teenager can feel like being on a roller coaster of high's and lows. When it comes to your MBTI type and the teenage years, you really haven't fully developed your auxiliary, tertiary, or inferior functions well enough to be fully balanced. You are still relying very heavily on your dominant function and are just learning how to balance that out with your auxiliary function.

The Tertiary and Inferior Functions

From the age of 21 to the mid-40s, you will develop your tertiary function. While this will never be as strong as your dominant or auxiliary functions, it will help to balance them out if developed properly. 

From your 40s to your 60s and 70s, you will develop your inferior function more completely. 

Complete Development of All the Functions

When you've reached the age where your inferior function is developing, you can be surprised by a new side of yourself you haven't seen before. A staunch, logical thinker suddenly finds himself weeping over an insurance advertisement. A woman who has always been highly emotional and people-oriented suddenly develops an interest in mechanics or a more 'thinker' type activity.  This doesn't mean that they disregard their dominant and auxiliary functions, but that now they have developed good control over all their functions and they are able to use them all effectively. The dominant and auxiliary functions will always be the major players in your personality, but now you can enoy a new sense of balance with the aid of your tertiary and inferior functions. 

When Problems Arise

There will always be those who don't focus on developing their functions well. Some people are so in love with their dominant functions that they focus on them to the complete exclusion of their other functions. This is why it's important to work at using and considering all your functions. Of course you will be most comfortable with your dominant function, and by all means find activities and pursuits which utilize that great strength you have. Just make sure to take some time to notice and exercise your other functions to achieve a healthier, more balanced life. 

My Story

I'm 30-years-old now. I'm in the middle of developing my tertiary function, introverted thinking. I find myself being more logical, not as vulnerable to overpowering emotions (although they do still hit me a lot), and I take care of myself better than I did as a teenager. I feel more comfortable using my extraverted feeling around other people, can finally be true to myself around my family and friends, and I'm looking forward to getting to know my inferior function, extraverted sensing, sometime soon. For now I still walk into door frames, trip over my feet, and am pretty bad at using extraverted sensing very well. I'm looking forward to getting a handle on that soon! I hope that learning about the development of these functions can help you to better understand yourself and where you are in life right now. I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments section!

Have you ever wanted to know yourself better? What about your spouse, or your children? Do you find yourself confused by the way people communicate with you, or find it hard to relate to certain people? Knowing about personality type can take you leaps and bounds in your understanding of yourself and others. I've spent a long time discussing the validity of the MBTI, Now is the time to give you an introduction to what it's all about, and how it can benefit you personally!

The MBTI model of personality was developed by Katherine Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers, and was taken from the works of Carl Jung, who developed a study on psychological types. Jung wrote that "what appears to be random behavior is actually the result of differences in the way people prefer to use their mental capacities."

In 1921, Carl Jung published Psychological Types, which introduced the idea that each person has a distinct psychological type or set of preferences. Things like extraversion and introversion were discussed, and how people make decisions. Unfortunately, the academic language of the book made it hard for many people to read and so his theories didn't become very widespread.

During World War II, Katherine Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers set out to find an easier way for people to use Jung's ideas in everyday life. They felt that if Jung's theory could be written and applied in a more easy-to-read way, that it could be extremely beneficial to people everywhere.

The Basics of the MBTI

The MBTI categorizes your personality into one of sixteen types. These types determine where you get your energy from, how you take in information, and how you like to make decisions. Your type is identified by four letters that stand for four of eight main functions. For example, I'm an INFJ, so my four main functions would be:

I - Introversion
N - Intuition
F - Feeling
J - Judging

There's a lot more to these functions than what appears. Each type uses all eight functions, your type just determines which one you favor most and are most proficient with. For the sake of simplicity, this blog is just going to cover the very basics.

The Order of Functions

Everyone has a dominant function, an auxiliary function, a tertiary function, and an inferior function. From ages 0-7 we display mainly our dominant function, from age 7 to our 20's we start exhibiting our auxiliary function,  in our 30's and 40's we delve into our tertiary function, and in our later years we develop our inferior function more. Regardless of what we develop, our dominant and auxiliary functions will always be the most perfected and the most obvious.

The chart below, from Kiersey.com explains the order of functions really well.

Extraversion/Introversion

While everyone has extraverted and introverted qualities, most people will prefer one method of interacting with the world over the other. Don't confuse extraversion or introversion with shyness or timidity, both extroverts and introverts can be shy, and that has nothing to do with either.

Extraversion: Where do you get your energy from? Extraverts enjoy the outer world of people and things. Extroverts usually need to process thoughts, ideas and experiences through speech. They tend to feel energized by talking and doing, and often enjoy social settings and feel energized by being with others. They will want occasional alone time, but not as often as introverts.

Introversion: Introverts get their energy more from the internal world. They need and desire quiet time for reflection. They tend to feel drained by too much talking or doing, and need time to think and consider. They think and reflect before speaking, and have a strong need for privacy.

One last thought on the I/E Preference: Extraverts will want alone time sometimes, and introverts don't usually want to hide in a cave all alone for the rest of their lives. Most people are more like ambiverts, then extreme extroverts or introverts. However, everyone has a preference, even if it's slight, for extraversion or introversion. 

Sensing/Intuition

Everyone uses sensing and intuition. However, N personality types prefer and have more advanced intuition, while S personality types prefer and have more advanced sensing. Sensing and intuition are the perceiving functions, which determine how you take in information.

Sensing: Do you take in information through your five senses? While all people do this to an extent, sensors are especially more aware of what comes in through sensation. They are more focused on the present, and use that focus to create practical solutions. They think in a linear fashion, and don't like guesswork or abstract theories. They like concrete information, and are usually very down-to-earth.

Intuition: Do you live in the world of theories and possibilities? Are you more focused on the future than the present? Intuitive personality types prefer to think of what could be, and are highly imaginitive. They think in terms of connections and they get hunches which influence their decisions. They love theories and guesswork and the world of symbols and dreams. 

One last thought on the S/N preference: There's a big difference between extraverted and introverted intuition, and extraverted and introverted sensing. You can find out more about that here, but the characteristics mentioned above will usually remain for any S or N type.

Thinking/Feeling

Graphic from strategicpath.com

Thinking and feeling are judging functions, this means that they determine how you make decisions. Everyone has thinking AND feeling functions, but everyone has a natural preference for one over the other. 

Thinking: Thinkers are practical, logical and go with what makes sense. They are persuaded by facts, figures, and statistics and usually make decisions by weighing the pros and cons and focusing on the task at hand. They are very straightforward and blunt in their manner of speech. Now this doesn't mean that they all live like vulcans! All thinkers have a feeling function. They just will rely more on logic than on personal feelings or emotions. They don't usually mind conflict too much, as long as it's impersonal.

Feeling: Feelers make decisions based on how it will make others feel. They are relationship focused, and crave harmony in every decision-making process. They take things personally, and focus on the emotional impact of what is said. They may absorb other peoples emotions (Extraverted feeling) or be very aware of their own inner feelings and values (Introverted feeling). They dislike conflict and criticism, but can become very confrontational if one of their values is being criticized.

Judging/Perceiving

The judging and perceiving function are one of the more confusing ones to determine for a lot of people. Everyone has judging and perceiving functions, having a 'J' or 'P' at the end of your type basically means one of the following:

Judging: Judgers crave closure and like to have decisions finalized. They enjoy planning and making to-do lists. They enjoy schedules and knowing what lies ahead, and may have a harder time being spontaneous or enjoying surprises. 

Perceiving: Perceivers like to leave their options open, and wait to make decisions till they've explored all the alternatives. They are more spontaneous and improvisational. They have a harder time following strict schedules or making decisions quickly.


Where's the best place to find out my MBTI type?

Online MBTI tests are often flawed because there's a lot more to the MBTI and how you use the functions than what can be covered in a quick test. The best way to find out your MBTI type is through the official MBTI instrument, however, if you want to try a free test, this is probably the most accurate one you can take. The absolute best way to type yourself is by learning about the cognitive functions and reading the type profiles and determining which one fits you best. 

When it comes to learning styles, people often analyze children for various traits that would classify them as visual learners, audio learners, kinesthetic, and so on. However, did you know that arguing is actually a learning style for various personality types? I know this might be met with a lack of enthusiasm by parents with argumentative children. You might be thinking, "Wait! I have to keep putting up with this? No way!". I ask you to give me a chance to explain.

One of the major topics of my blog here is the MBTI, and the Jungian Cognitive Functions. These tools help us to understand how people perceive and interact with the world. Each person functions very differently from the next, and all of us have a tendency to think that 'our way' is the only right way. This just isn't the case. People all learn differently, and for some people, arguing is the best way to learn.

If you're not sure about the reliability of the MBTI, you can check out my posts on this here, here and here. I know, that's a lot of links, but I was determined to cover the validity of the MBTI thoroughly before delving into it more. 

Who are the most argumentative MBTI types?

Without a doubt, the consensus seems to be that the NT (Intuitive Thinking) personality types are the most argumentative. They also happen to be incredibly ingenious and highly innovative in their thinking. The reason for this is that intuitive thinkers tend to want to find the most primal, logical, basic truth behind an idea. "This is how it's always been done" will not appeal to an NT. If you tell your NT child to use table manners, for example, they're going to want a really clear, logical explanation for why. Believe me, I have an NT child, and from experience know this to be true. Saying, "because I said so" will likely cause a backlash. You'll either end up driving yourself crazy or shutting them down over time and blocking out what is a fundamental way of learning for them. 

Why are they so argumentative?

Intuitive types aren't content with what is or has always been, they want to know why things are and what they mean. NTs want logic and they like to change things to make them better. They do this by essentially arguing with the standard, and finding ways to improve it. What NTs don't want are generalized statements, platitudes, or tradition-oriented rules. They will not subscribe to any belief system or set of rules without first making sure it holds up to intense scrutiny. Their skeptical mind is something that can't be turned on or off, it's an essential part of how they function as people.

While an NT child may be perceived as being defiant, they simply can't allow themselves to learn from something without holding it up to criticism first. Many parents and teachers, especially SJ types, can misread this as being an open form of rebellion or pride. Since 40% of the population is comprised of SJ personality types, and NT's only comprise 5-10% of the population, they are often outnumbered. SJ types are especially common in elementary and grade school teaching professions, and can be turned off by the debative nature of NT's, who are often cast as problem students in school.

If my child argues does that mean they are an NT personality type?

Absolutely not. Every child is going to argue at some point, some more than others based on upbringing and environment and what has been allowed. However, if you  notice that your child has a particular bent towards arguing, and it's not always just to get out of something, or because they're in a state of anger, it's a possibility to consider. If your child is otherwise obedient, but then when it comes to arguing, has a very hard time holding their tongue, they may be an NT type. Trying to figure out your child's personality type can take you very far in understanding and working with them effectively.

Characteristics of NT personality types:

- NTs tend to be pragmatic, skeptical, self-contained, and focused on problem-solving and systems analysis.
- NTs pride themselves on being ingenious, independent, and strong willed.
- NTs are usually even-tempered, they trust logic, yearn for achievement, seek knowledge, prize technology, and dream of understanding how the world works.

The analytical, problem-solving bent of NTs is part of why arguing is such an important learning tool for them. Another thing to keep in mind is that NT types are not feelers, they may  not thoroughly understand emotions or feelings in an equation. This means that if you try to argue with them based on emotions it may just confuse and overwhelm them. I'll write more about NT types in the future, to help you discern if this is your child's personality type.

So you're saying arguing is a good thing?

Done the right way, arguing can be a good thing. Infante and Rancer, who developed the argumentativeness scale that is used throughout universities worldwide, said, "Arguing stimulates curiosity and increases learning because individuals tend to seek out information about the issues on which they argue. Arguing reduces egocentric thinking and forces individuals to explore issues from multiple perspectives."

Research has also shown that “high argumentatives” are seen as more credible, eloquent, creative, and self-assured. Now, this doesn't mean we should just let our children walk all over us and argue about every little task they're given and every point you have to bring up. The goal is to harness this assertive gift they've been given and teach them to use it in the appropriate ways, at the appropriate times. Don't stifle it. Too many parents try to just squash what they find irritating in their child, without really understanding it. This does an incredible disservice to a child who needs to learn to stick up for themselves, their beliefs, and who needs to research the 'why's' of what they believe. If you have an NT child, you need to be especially aware that ignoring and shutting up their natural skepticism effectively dismantles their natural learning style.

So I just need to let my child argue as much as they want? 

No, not as much as they want. Your child needs a way to have a healthy debate with you as his parent. This could mean having a set time every day to go over any questions he has about things that have happened. This can be a safe time for him to air his concerns and questions, and get to the bottom of why life is the way it is, rules are the way they are, etc,.

A practical approach to dealing with the argumentative child

1. Keep Your Perspective
Remember that the same qualities that cause your child to argue too much can also make them great leaders someday. Argumentative NT type children can also have an easier time standing up against peer pressure because of their firm grasp on logic and rationality. Remember that arguing is a way for them to learn and accept truths, and it's not always an act of defiance or pride.

2. Give Them a Safe Time to Argue
Let your child know that arguing and talking back to you when they're asked to do something isn't respectful, and it's also not honoring to you as a parent. Let them know that after an allotted time they will be allowed to respectfully air their concerns to you and bring up their objections. Simply stifling an argumentative child will do nothing but build resentment and distance between you. Give them a chance and a time each day to bring up any questions they might have about things that have happened during the day.

Another great option is to form a family debate club. Have your child pick something to argue (why recycling is important, why cheetahs are the coolest animal, let them pick) and make it a fun family event! Healthy debating is a good skill for anyone to learn.

3. Give Them a Chance to Make an Appeal
When it comes to big decisions and major changes, give your child the chance to appeal a rule. Kids need to feel heard, and they need to know that their opinions matter. Give them a chance to think through things, and when everyone is calm and in a good state of mind, sit down and hear them out. Don't let them appeal every single thing ("I don't want to wash the dishes!" "Why do I have to clean up my own mess!") but give them a say in major decisions.

4. Enforce Consequences for Arguing
If you're giving your child a time each day to air their arguments respectfully, then any other time arguing comes up during the day, remind them that they can talk to you about it then. If they continue to argue, call it out every time. Initially, they might need some warnings, but then consistently enforce some consequences, like losing out on playing a favorite video game, or going to bed a little early. Remind your kids that you value their opinions, but they need to be respectful to you as a parent and talking back is not showing that they trust you as a parent.

5. Give Positive Feedback for Obedience
Anytime your child listens and obeys right away, make sure to notice it and point it out! If they're young, give them a sticker or some kind of small token of appreciation. Let your child know you're paying attention to the good behavior, and not just the bad.

Do you have any experience with an argumentative child? Are you an NT type and have something to add to this discussion? Let me know in the comments!

When I discovered the MBTI, I was filled with so much excitement over what it meant to me and my friends and family. I couldn't wait to study those around me and figure out their 'types', and understand and interact with them better. However, because I'm still a skeptic at heart, I have always wanted to know the arguments against the MBTI, and see if I'm promoting a false system. Here are the two major arguments you'll see against the MBTI:

1. Nobody is either 100% introverted or extroverted, everyone is a little of each. For this reason, the MBTI is flawed.

2. Upon retesting, people are getting different results 5 months later. Therefore, the MBTI is flawed.

Okay, so let's start with argument #1. The funny thing is, if anyone researched the MBTI enough, they would see that it never categorizes people as being 100% introverted or 100% extroverted. In fact, nobody is 100% a feeler or 100% a thinker. Once you really get down to the cognitive functions, which are the core of the MBTI, you will see that everyone has extroverted, introverted, thinking, feeling, sensing, intuitive, perceiving, and judging functions. 

Wait a minute? But I'm an ESTJ! This means I'm an Extrovert, Sensor, Thinker, Judger, right?

Only partially right. The truth is, if you're an ESTJ, this means that you have the following:

A - Extraverted Thinking (a judging function)
B - Introverted Sensing (a perceiving function)
C - Extraverted Intuition (a perceiving function)
D - Introverted Feeling (a judging function)

As you can see, as an ESTJ you are more than just extrovert/sensor/thinker/judger. You have introverted and extraverted functions, you have thinking and feeling functions, and sensing and intuitive functions. All the test has concluded is that your thinking function is more dominant than your feeling function, that your sensing function is more dominant than your intuition function, and that your dominant function is extraverted instead of introverted.

To find out more about what these functions all mean, you can check out this blog.

As for me personally, I am an INFJ. This means that I'm an introvert, but my second most dominant function is extraverted feeling. Because of this, INFJs can sometimes be mistaken for extroverts. We want to understand people, make them feel good, at ease, and so on. If I'm in a room and there is an awkward silence, I will be aware of it and try to change the mood to be more 'harmonious'. If I was the stereotypical introvert, I'd want to be alone all the time. However, most healthy introverts will want some time socializing, so they can use their auxiliary extraverted functions. So no, nobody is 100% introverted or 100% extroverted. The true MBTI test will just show you if you prefer extraversion over introversion. It will show you what you extravert, and what you keep more hidden. 

Five months ago I tested as an ISFJ and now the test says I'm an ISTJ! What's that about? Doesn't this mean the test is flawed? 

OK, so first of all, you have to look at what test you are taking. Did you have a certified MBTI professional evaluate you? Or did you take a free online test? If you took a free online test, then it's going to be a whole lot harder to get an accurate result. You might get a few of the letters right, but possibly not all of them. Maybe you answered the questions in a different mood each time. For example, the first time you tested you were concerned with family issues, which gave you a feeler result, and the second time you were more concerned with the stock market, which gave you a mental bent towards thinking.  Online tests are imperfect. They can point you in the right direction a lot of times, but to get a real accurate understanding of your type, you really should read about the cognitive functions and figure out which ones you use the most. Learning your MBTI type can be incredibly helpful to you, but only if you understand correctly which type you truly are. The best way to do this is to study the cognitive functions, preferably with somebody who knows you well. This way, if you're unsure, they can help you with it since they've seen you from an outside perspective. Figure out which of the functions you relate to the most. 

But I really want to take the online test! It's so much easier!

It definitely is! The online tests can help to point you in the right direction, just don't be too hasty to take their result as 100% fact. If you get a result, read the description of your type profile and see if it matches up with who you feel you are. Can you relate to it? Try reading the profiles of other types that are similar and see if one of them matches you better.

Keep in mind, everyone has the ability to use all the cognitive functions, the MBTI simply tells you what your natural preferences are. You're a thinker AND a feeler, but which do you prefer over the other. 

Ben Newman, a senior HR business partner at a leading financial services organisation, had this to say about the functions; "The most useful analogy is that MBTI is like a house with 16 rooms. Anyone can move into any of the rooms at any time. Your preference might be the bedroom, it might be the basement. But it doesn't mean that you can't do the others. Myers-Briggs simply suggests that there will be a room above all the others that suits you and you feel comfortable in. People really get that."

I hope this helps you figure out where you stand on the whole MBTI debate. If you're new to MBTI and have no idea what I'm talking about, I'll be posting more soon about MBTI for beginners and tips on discovering your type. 

Do you have an argument with the MBTI? Let me know in the comments and I'll try to respond as soon as possible!

With personality quizzes and buzzfeed questionnaires becoming so popular on facebook, it's easy for people to lump the MBTI into the same category; another stupid personality test with no basis in reality. What Harry Potter character am I? What breed of dog are you? The list goes on and on. A lot of the arguments I've heard against personality testing and the psychology of personality type is that people are comparing the MBTI with these popular, but basically useless and inaccurate tests. What people fail to realize is that the MBTI is based on a compilation of over 70 years of intense psychological research and has been proven to be useful in numerous real-life applications. You can find out more about this here. When it comes to the MBTI, a lot of the online tests are constructed inaccurately and have poorly worded questions that are going to make it hard to get the correct type result.

Avoid the online tests if you can!

Most of the free online Myers-Briggs quizzes are using the letter dichotomies (telling you that you're an I or an E, an F or a T, an N or an S, etc,..) rather than employing the underlying theory of type psychology - the cognitive functions.

What are these cognitive functions? 

There are 8 cognitive functions, and each personality type uses all of these, either consciously or unconsciously. These functions determine how you process information and make decisions. Consciously, everyone has two judging and two perceiving functions. Your perceiving functions determine how you take in information, and your judging functions determine how you make decisions with that information. 

So, say you're an INTJ. If this is you, then your cognitive functions fall in this order:
Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxiliary: Extraverted thinking
Tertiary: Introverted feeling
Inferior: Extraverted sensing

Knowing this basically tells us that as an INTJ you take in information through introverted intuition. This is also your dominant function so it is highly perfected. Next, you make decisions using extraverted thinking; which is your second most advanced function.  As an INTJ you would also have a tertiary function of introverted feeling, and an inferior function of extraverted sensing. The tertiary and inferior functions will not be as polished or keen as your dominant and auxiliary functions, but you still will use them and rely on them.

Okay, this is getting really confusing...what do all these things mean?

There are four main functions, and each one can be either introverted or extraverted. Let's start with the perceiving functions, these are sensing and intuition.

The Perceiving Functions

Introverted Sensing (Si):

Introverted Sensing deals primarily with recalling facts and details of past events. People with introverted sensing are able to recall past experiences with great accuracy, and they believe that the past is the greatest teacher for the future. They are very tradition-oriented and love holidays and family gatherings that are commemorated year after year. They love consistency, hard work, and they see their role as their duty; performing with pride all the details their role entails. The introverted sensor likes a predictable system and job security; change and unpredictability is very unsettling and can make them feel lost. 

Physically speaking, introverted sensors are more aware of what is going on inside their body. They may be the first to notice they are feeling sick or are having a physical reaction to something. They tend to be highly aware of inner bodily sensations such as hunger, thirst, numbness, etc,..

Personality types with dominant introverted sensing: ISTJ and ISFJ
Personality types with auxiliary introverted sensing: ESTJ and ESFJ

Extraverted Sensing (Se):Extraverted Sensing deals primarily with experiencing and perceiving the outside world in the present moment. Extraverted Sensors see, feel, touch, smell, and listen to everything that is going on in the external world. They are always taking in new experiences and sizing up the situations of the world around them. They live in the present moment and thrive on new and exciting experiences. They tend to love engaging in sports and enjoy experiences that will delight their senses; fine food, extreme sports, exotic trips. 

Extraverted sensors tend to become bored with routines, but at the same time are very practical and down-to-earth. People with dominant or auxiliary extraverted sensing tend to move gracefully, and be more aware of their surroundings and their own physical presence. They have quick reflexes and don't tend to enjoy sitting still for too long, unless engaged in something that excites their senses; like a challenging video game or an action-packed movie.

Personality types with dominant extraverted sensing: ESTP and ESFP
Personality types with auxiliary extraverted sensing: ISTP and ISFP

Introverted Intuition (Ni):

Introverted intuition is the ability to foresee implications and likely effects without external data. People with introverted intuition can often foresee what will be, and are very good at seeing patterns and predicting transformations. They have "gut feelings" that are usually very accurate. They enjoy tinkering with ideas, perspectives, theories, visions, stories, symbols, and metaphors. They want to know what things "mean" not what they "are". 

People with introverted intuition are concerned with the big picture. They are extremely aware of hidden meanings, subtle patterns, and what those things could mean for the future. They tend to live in their heads, but at the same time, are able to pick up on outside patterns, symbols, and have a knack for picking up on "hidden clues". They can go from being the most absent-minded professor to the most aware detective. They are strategists who can put the puzzle pieces of the past and present together to create a future prediction.

Personality types with dominant introverted intuition: INFJ and INTJ
Personality types with auxiliary introverted intuition: ENTJ and ENFJ

Extraverted Intuition (Ne):

Extraverted Intuition deals with experiencing the outer world, noticing possibilities, and what could be. It deals with seeing how all things in life are interrelated, and allows the user to see the world in multiple different perspectives.

People with extraverted intuition often wonder, "If I change this, what will happen?". They tend to be very creative, and often have an entrepreneurial mindset. They have a desire to make things happen and make an impact to the world. They can get very excited about these possibilities, making them naturally charismatic. They make inspiring leaders and are often catalysts for change in the world.

Personality types with dominant extraverted intuition: ENFP and ENTP
Personality types with auxiliary extraverted intuition: INFP and INTP

The Judging Functions

The judging functions are what people use to decide what they will do with the information they've perceived. For example, if you're an ISFJ you will take in information through introverted sensing, and make a decision regarding what to do with that information through extraverted feeling. Make sense? Okay, so let's explain what the judging functions are.

Introverted Thinking (Ti):

People with Introverted Thinking want the world to make sense logically. They form an internal framework of how the world works. It is constantly being modified and improved through life experience and experiments. They are able to see how everything in the physical world is related. For example, someone with introverted thinking can find out how a car and all its parts work by relating it to some other system, such as a computer.

Introverted Thinking is also great at troubleshooting. They are great at analytical thinking, and problem-solving, and can be quick to fix a problem. They like to do things effectively, and often find short-cuts that other people haven't thought of. Some people may see this as laziness, however, it’s a form of perfectionism most Ti users have.

Personality types with dominant introverted thinking: ISTPs and INTPs
Personality types with auxiliary introverted thinking: ESTPs and ENTPs

Extraverted Thinking (Te):

Extraverted Thinking deals primarily with understanding and organizing the external world. Extraverted Thinking wants everything to make logical sense, and has very little patience for unproductive activities or mulling over the options.

Extraverted thinkers have the desire to control their environment, and can feel lost when they are not able to shape their own external world. They see things in a logical, sequential order and don't like to waste time. They want things done, and they want them done now. They are decisive and make quick decisions. It is a very action-oriented function. They are usually logical, objective, and fair.

Personality types with dominant extraverted thinking: ESTJ and ENTJ
Personality types with auxiliary extraverted thinking: ISTJ and INTJ

Introverted Feeling (Fi):

Introverted Feeling (Fi) is a function that deals with a person’s own individual feelings and beliefs. Introverted feelers want to figure out who they are and what they want out of life. They want to be true to themselves; and filter things through a lens of "good/bad". An introverted feeler is very self aware of who they are and their place in the world.

Introverted Feeling also develops close attachment to people, things, and places. Introverted feelers take a considerable amount of time to form these bonds, but each day they grow stronger. 

Personality types with dominant introverted feeling: INFP and ISFP
Personality types with auxiliary introverted feeling: ESFP and ENFP

Extraverted Feeling (Fe):

Extraverted Feeling deals with understanding others emotions and feelings in the present moment. Extraverted Feeling is very attentive to others and can just sense what others are currently feeling. Extraverted feeling is like a sponge, soaking up other peoples feelings and emotions and trying to respond to bring harmony. It is able to quickly assess the mood of the environment. It is also very skilled at changing the mood, whether they want to make it more upbeat or more solemn.

Extraverted feelers tend to be supportive and nurturing. They have strong emotions for those they are close to, and will go out of their way to make them feel good. The Fe user is very close to friends and family members. Extraverted Feelers tend to want a clean house and to look presentable to the world. They may feel it is their duty to help others, and go out of their way to find a role to fulfill that desire.

Personality types with dominant extraverted feeling: ESFJ and ENFJ
Personality types with auxiliary extravered feeling: INFJ and ISFJ

In conclusion...

As you can see, the MBTI is more than just a four-letter code that puts people in one-dimensional boxes. Everyone is a feeler, a thinker, a sensor, and intuitive. You just are more of one than the other. Everyone has extraverted and introverted qualities. The more you dig deep into the real MBTI and its processes, the more you will see that there is a real logic behind it all and that it has practical hands-on benefits for you and the people in your life.